I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
You look like you would fail a DNA test
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay