Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
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It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy