[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
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[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Match dot com, but for socks.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
So sick of all these stupid rules
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.