Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
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ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
True?
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.