“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
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My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Me buying fruit and veg
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes