“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
You Might Also Like
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are