Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
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everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Bloody internet 😳
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.