*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
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it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?