Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
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people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
This why you should mind your business