[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
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when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
How did we not see this back then?
Life with a cat in one tweet
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.