when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
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M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
is this meant to deter me
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.