I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
This is my favorite one of these!
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.