i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
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If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.