My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
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Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
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When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies