When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
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I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”