its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
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My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
man: wait
time: no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.