May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
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During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
And bowling should be called pinball
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
You can’t outrun your problems…
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.