If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
TRAIN’S HERE
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!