Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
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4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
that’s really how it is
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for