Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
You Might Also Like
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’