my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
You Might Also Like
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home