banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
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Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
? 💀
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.