Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
You Might Also Like
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.