People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
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Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry