prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
They’re the worst 😩
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”