Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
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I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Beauty and the Beast
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.