[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
@ candidates for local office
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
😬
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
some cats are just doing for fun!
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’