[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
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[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
when you don’t want to be too vague
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.