Always
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Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
*serious situation*
My brain:
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
True?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
The happy life.. 😊
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker