Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
You Might Also Like
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.