[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
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[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.