After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
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[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
i dont have time for this
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm