[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
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A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Cause of death: Zumba