my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
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Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I want this so bad
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.