(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
You Might Also Like
Mission: Impossible
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered