Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
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Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
sry
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.