🦝🔥🦝🔥
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
We avoided this particular disaster
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”