[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
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Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.