me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi đ
her: are those empty
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Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Me: Iâm not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
buys donuts instead
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didnât really give an opinion either way but theyâre HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys youâre right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Little known fact:
Young childrenâs bones are not the same as an adult. Childrenâs elbows are actually made of knives.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
People will say stuff like âwell at least if WWIII happens I wonât have to go to workâŚâ I think in your heart you know thatâs not true
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Iâm not saying youâre stupid, but you look like the kind of guy whoâd play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
me: Iâll take this goth pear
cashier: thatâs an avocado
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.