(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
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water it, i dare you
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
How it started: How it’s going:
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down