I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
You Might Also Like
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”