Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
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A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”