My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
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I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!