Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
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Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
🤣🤣🤣
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME