DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan