My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
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(人__つ_つ
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.