*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
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“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.