The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
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Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”