Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
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One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
This is why I hate group projects
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate