Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
You Might Also Like
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
there’s probably a fee though
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.